Sex turns me on. And I'm not just talking about having it. Fantasizing. Dreaming. Especially watching. It's like imagining myself devouring an entire princess marzipan cake, blanketed in pink frosting and sugarey gold specks. The kind with whipped cream filling mixed with a sort of creme brulee, gooey inside. The cake I always indulge in on my birthday, but even then, one slice is all I could possibly feel good about. Sex on TV is just like that. But better.

I recently watched my first porno. When I was a sophomore in college, at a holier-than-thou Christian school in the heart of Texas, my boyfriend at the time was crazy. Psychotic. Only I didn't know it then. He liked to sit in the dark, and brew. He enjoyed cycling, and avoiding speech. Of any kind. And one day, out of the blue--or at least that's what I thought--he suggested we watch a porno. And after that--and I swear to god, he actually approached me with this idea, completely seriously, and keep in mind that he was horrible in bed--he said he wanted to tie me up and film it. On his VCR. I was appalled. Disgusted. No way. And that was that.

So we broke up--DUH. And I moved on. I finished graduate school, got a real job, and with it, my first real credit card, and finally, after years of assuming I would hate it, the curiosity got to me, and I rented my first porno. Well, I actually bought it. "Star 69 #7," four hours of hardcore sex. Women faking orgasm and men closing their eyes, pretending the camera isn't zooming in on their ass, and finally reaching that always-longed-for state of euphoria.

It did nothing. Nada. Zilch. And I did try, really tried, I closed my eyes, focused on nudity, and really concentrated. Nope. Sure, I did feel sort of good, in that happy-go-lucky sort of way, but only because 'good' is my default mode. And that's when it hit me. Yes I want sex. Yes I want naked bodies. But PUH-LEASE, what about foreplay? That lovely moment of anticipation when the mind knows what's next, the body arches toward delight, and the soul yearns for wet kisses. Now that's a turn-on.

So I returned to the video store. This time, I walked in the store, held my head high, and even--GASP--made eye contact with the guy behind the counter. Yeah, okay, so I jumped every time the bell jingled and a new customer walked in the door, but whatever. I looked cool. Casual. And definitely in control.

My choice? "Things Change." A porno with, yes, quite a bit of sex, girls kissing in the pool and the ever-predictable office scene, but--and here's the big one--PLOT. Yes, that lovely scene build-up, the hill we climb to reach that orgasmic state of climax. I'm talking character buildup. Getting to know Mary and Linda and John (real names withheld for obvious reasons) before they all shed their tank shirts, tube tops, and tight denim shorts. My god, what a delight.

I squirmed and lusted. Fantasized, closed my eyes, even whispered at the screen. Was it worth the $29.95? Well, I recently purchased a second one. "Bad Wives"--just the name calls for satiny negligees and goose bumps.

So...what are you doing tonight?